I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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