Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Randomize
