How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
