he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
