So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
