Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
