Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Gay?
German.
Pity.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
