remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
