Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
