dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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