Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
