then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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