You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize