Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
