I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
