he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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