Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
