I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
