Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Still dying that you shit outside
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
