I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
