I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
