oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
