I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
