i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
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it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.