tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
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He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
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How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate