totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
