Kiss
Puke
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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