I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
