ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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