While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
