We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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