I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
