If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I did not marry a roomba.
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