The maid of honor just puked.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
they need to just BURY HIM!
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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