I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
