I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
