i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
