I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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