You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
They took my balls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
