I'd wear matching sweaters with you
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Randomize
