omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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