Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
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I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
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I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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