I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize