how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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