If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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