I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
