Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
