Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
