I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
