The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
