Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
