Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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