The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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