Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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