If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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