haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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