someone threw a dead crab at me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
