Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
