Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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