Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I had to cum in my sink.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
