I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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