I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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