I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
