oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
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She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
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I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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